Dear John

Dear John,

First of all, I apologize for the shock I know this may be to you. I am sorry, but there was no way to warn you ahead of time. I apologize in advance for the old wounds it will re-open but it is my hope that you have healed enough to make this pass quickly for you.

Second, I picked you because for one, I realize with the passing of your father that you have unfortunately become the patriarch of your family and I think it is best for you to decide if this should be shared with your mother and sister or not.

I also apologize for my timing. There hasn't been a good time in the last 27 1/2 years and there never will be, but I have decided it is the only time because you and your family deserve something directly from me and it's way overdue.

I am also sorry your Dad won't get to read this because he certainly deserved it too. I unfortunately lost my Mom while I was in prison after having not seen her for ten years. I never knew anything could hurt as much as losing a parent, and I am sorry for your loss.

The third reason is that I recently (well, if you can count January as "recently" ) found all of the articles that were written back then and I re-read them after all these years, with completely different eye's and understanding than I had back then. There was one where you said that you just never wanted this to happen to anyone again because of me.

You weren't mean or vindictive, just firm in what you wished for.

I appreciated that because regardless of what anyone said or even my actions during the trial, I felt horrible about what I had done and the pain your family and Andy's friends were feeling.

I wanted to write to you and not only apologize personally, but also to show you, if possible, that your wish has been granted and much more. Also, that though this happened and I did what I did, Andy's life and needless death have actually made a big difference in the world.

Besides my own apology for my actions, I also want to apologize for the actions of my attorney in trying to make Andy look bad to try to get me out of the consequences of my actions.

At the time I had no clue and just remembered everything the way he told me to remember it.

There was no need for him to talk about things Andy had done or was accused of doing. That had nothing to do with Andy being a victim of what I did.

I apologize that your brother was portrayed by my lawyer as a predator. There was no reason or basis for that.

One of my many regrets is that I was a coward then and agreed to anything the lawyer came up with that might get me out of trouble. Even though I knew it wasn't right.

I also hope I can answer any unanswered questions you may have about what happened that night and how your family lost Andy.

27 1/2 years ago, writing this letter would have seemed like I was trying to get something out of it, like getting my sentence reduced, so the time was wrong. Anytime during my incarceration would have been viewed the same. Especially around the ten year mark when there was an article in the paper that your Mom thought it was too soon for me to get out.

I have always wanted your family to know how sorry I am for taking Andy from you. But it wasn't the right time.

So I would wait till I was out so it couldn't be said that I was apologizing to get out early.

When I got out, I felt that I should do something. I should get involved in helping kids who were getting in trouble at young ages like I did. I thought too to write you then. Well, I was just out, it could be perceived as trying to get off parole early. As for doing something to give back, well, I didn't have any experience or history of being an example, so I decided I should wait till I had a couple of years of doing well before trying to give back.

The same with writing. I wanted a couple years to show a track record of doing the right thing before I wrote you.

Once that rolled around it still wasn't good enough.

I'd have to wait until I was off parole to establish myself as a good individual, a contributing member of society and a good guy who did some bad things.

That time has also passed and I have done nothing.

Until now.

There will never be a right time. The only time is now and I don't want it to keep slipping by without me doing what I know is right for me to do.

John I am so sorry and I apologize to you and your family for the loss of Andy at my hands.

It is not something I would have ever wanted to do, but I did and I am sorry.

The things I experienced in prison I won't talk about because those were part of the punishment that I willingly accept for what I did.

What I will talk about is what has happened since and how Andy makes a difference even today.

And I will try to keep it as condensed as possible.

I got out and began the re-adjustment somewhat roughly but never really got in trouble.

Over time I eased back into life. Became a husband and father. Had a career. Got divorced. Changed careers.

All the while, no one except my family knowing about my past.

Last year right about now that changed. I had been out quite awhile and living with this secret and doing nothing I should be doing.

And I met someone who opened it all up for me.

Last year at this time I was telling everyone in my life what I had done, and what little I could tell them about Andy.

At this time last year, nobody knew what had happened.

Now everyone does. My family, my children, my employers, co-workers and all of my friends.

I came clean.

I had been keeping myself in another prison for years and it had to stop.

And they all know this was my fault.

And still I am accepted because I worked very hard to make a new me after what had happened.

Because I didn't want this to happen in the first place and I was with you on never wanting me to be responsible for such a thing again.

I also wanted something good to come from Andy's death.

So he was (and is) in my mind everyday and I worked toward building a life that would be respectful to the loss of his.

I wanted everyone to know that there was a person responsible for this me that they all know and think so highly of. And his name is Andy Davel.

So I told the entire story all the way back to the first time I got in trouble to all of these people.

I've got some things lined up for speaking to some people. Nothing set yet, but I'm working on it.

I want to do what I can to stop this from happening to other families. The violence in the world today is scary.

Andy influences me all the time. I work hard to be a good family man, friend, and in my work help people make their dreams come true. I am inspired by the gift I received, to make the most of it.

John, I am so sorry to you and your family for my careless, stupid actions that night. There was no excuse for my behavior, and contrary to the way my lawyer portrayed it, Andy was completely innocent in this and was not being a bully or any of the other things that were implied.

It was 100% me being careless, reckless, irresponsible and out of control.

I apologize.

I mentioned being able to relate to the loss of your father as I had lost my mother after not seeing her for tens years. Car accident.

I thought nothing could be worse than losing a parent.

Until, like you, I lost a sibling.

My sister was killed two years ago. Not like Andy, but by a truck driver texting while on 41.

Losing my sister was way worse than my Mom, and I still haven't gotten over that.

And your loss of your brother was even worse, because of me.

I also sort of experienced the loss of a child. My son that was born shortly after this, I haven't seen him since he was 18 months old and he has no desire to change that. It's not the same I know, but it does give me a small sense of that loss.

I am sorry. I tell you these things so you know I have a small understanding of your feelings.

I thought to tell you everything that happened that night to the best of my knowledge, but decided I will leave that to you if you have any specific questions and I can answer them for you.

I am sorry that the person I was back then took Andy away from your family.

The person I am today is using the worst experience of our lives to be the best person I can be.

Even I sometimes, when I think about it all, think it's not fair that I was given an opportunity to turn around the bad life I was living, while Andy was denied the chance to continue the good path he was following.

It has been very hard in a lot of ways. There were many times I wanted to give up, but something always told me I had to keep trying.

One of the articles I found was called "Paradox" and it contrasted different ways people saw me. On one side it was positive things and on the other, very negative things. I guess it was to show that there were two wildly different versions of me.

I know and can admit that everything bad said about me was very true.

However, until I read that, I didn't realize the article had really been stuck in my head since I first read it all those years ago.

All of the positive things and things that were listed that I had potential or talent in, I focused on bringing them to the front and developing them. The bad things, I made sure that I was not that person. It keeps me very aware of how lucky I really was.

Without having ever thought about it, I see now that the "Paradox" is gone. There's no longer two wildly different versions of me.

Just the one I should have been and wish I would have been, all along.

I do not know why things happened the way they did, other than my carelessness and bad attitude. In these situations people like to talk about "God's Plan". I don't have anyway of knowing what that is, but what I do know is God did not tell me to stab Andy. This was nobodies fault but mine.

I apologize, sincerely for the pain I caused you and your family.

And I apologize for taking Andy's life from him, and you.

I won't take any more of your time.

If you have any questions or anything you want to say, please feel free to do so. I will answer any questions as best as I can.

If not, I thank you for taking the time to read this, and again I am very sorry.

John's Response 12/31/2013

Scott,

When I saw that you wrote to me, it was a shock. It took a while for it to sink in and I have thought a long time about how or even if to respond. I did share your letter with my family and some of Andy’s friends. It seemed that everyone thought you were sincere.

Because you are sincere, I thought that I would respond. They say that time heals all wounds. I don’t know if that is exactly true. To me, I think time just puts distance between yourself and the pain. It is like standing too close to a roaring fire. If you step back, you can still feel the heat, but it is not painful. Take a few more steps back and you can see the fire, but can’t feel it anymore. That’s how it has been for me. Your letter had the effect of helping me remember Andy and help make his memory closer and for that I am grateful.

I certainly do not know anything about prison or rehabilitation, but I would think that your story is probably rare. You finding a way to turn a terrible tragedy in a positive direction and trying to make a normal life for yourself should be commended. I hope that hearing that I have forgiven you for what you have done helps you. Andy surely would have grown to be a fine man and a positive influence on all his family and friends. He would have made a positive impact on this world. To hear that what you have learned about him is serving to inspire you proves that he already did.

My Dad was the most positive person I have ever met. He literally never let a negative thought or emotion affect his outlook, no matter what happened in his life or to his family. Although losing his son at such an early age was probably the worst thing that he went through, the focus of his thoughts was only on taking care of those of us that remained. His faith comforted him in knowing that Andy was in a better place, that all things happen for a reason and I am sure allowed him to also forgive you.

May God Bless you and his peace be with you,
John