Buckets of Lists

Time flies. It's the third day of fall 2016. (Actually it's now October 8th because I walked away for second).

It's the third fall since I first thought I'd write about why I love fall and how I see a correlation between life and the seasons we live it in.

Part of the reason it's taken three years to start this story is that what I think isn't solid in my mind yet. The other part is probably laziness.

Oh, and a healthy dose of obsessive compulsive disorder with an irrational thoughts chaser.

Same reason I don't have a "bucket list".

I saw the Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman movie The Bucket List back in 2008 when it was released on DVD and loved the movie. The idea of having a bucket list creeped me out though. Like having your tombstone already made and in place while you're alive and young.

But I turned 50 this year and among other things, I've had to start making lists because as a part of aging, I guess we start getting absent minded. It's legit, I've read about it. Even a mild hypochondriac who knows he's full of crap like me, researches anything that could be construed as a "symptom".

I have lists of things to get at the store, I have lists of things I want to write about, I have a list for what to do today. I have an app on my phone that lets me have lists I can take anywhere. I have unwritten lists innumerable.

In my garage I painted the back of the door with that chalkboard paint so I could keep track of all the projects I have to work on.

At the bottom of the door I have a list of all of our vehicles, when the oil was last changed and what type of oil was put in.

In my briefcase I have a bunch of notebooks that have all of their own lists of notes, records, idea's and things that need to be done to something at some point in time.

I just crossed a three year old item off a list just a week ago.

On our refrigerator I have a list of what goes where in our freezer. There's also a bulletin board full of stuff.

I've got several lists of food idea's I'd like to try in the restaurant I may someday have.

I've got a list of every single bill we have and when it's due.

I have buckets of lists.

What I don't have is a Bucket List.

Because having a bucket list is an acknowledgement of that which a lot of us don't want to acknowledge; some day we won't have lists to do because we'll be done.

Some people accept that easily, others have issues. You can guess which clan I belong to.

So once again fall is upon us and once again, I've been thinking for weeks I should write.

Here I am.

Fall always makes me wistful, nostalgic and hopeful. It can also be a little depressing when you juxtapose the season with your stage in life.

Turning 50 was in some ways it hard, in some ways it's been great. There is a certain freedom and comfort that comes with acceptance of that milestone.

And it is a milestone. Nobody knows more than me how lucky I am to even be alive at 50, much less alive and well. And I'm not the only one lucky.

There's also a wistfulness and sense of loss when you accept that you have reached a point in life where it's not just a guess to say you have less days left than you've lived. Time is no longer on your side. There are things you wanted to do that you were going to get to that, well, you're probably not going to do them now. Sky diving onto the interstate with roller blades is just not going to happen after 50.

It changes your perspective.

I've loved fall since I was a kid. Especially fall in my hometown and I love going back there in the fall. I'm a wanderer. I like to drive around and observe life happening.

As a kid I remember rushing through dinner and dishes in the fall to get back outside for those remaining moments of daylight. I'd run, walk, or ride my bike or skateboard to whatever neighborhood my friends and I were gathering in. We'd walk, run, ride our bikes and skateboards until the sunset and we all started on our way home. The cool brisk air biting, yet comforting at the same time.

Even then I was constantly observing. Walking down the sidewalks in the near dark, kicking leaves and looking in the windows of the houses I'd pass on the way home.

Mr. Jensen in his easy chair reading the paper in that old Mr. Rodgers sweater he always wore in the fall. A lady you don't know bringing dinner to the table for the family gathered round. Your grounded school chum at the table doing homework. Of course you let him know you were outside and he wasn't.

Fall is always the perfect time of year to me. I'm not the only one. The whole "Pumpkin Spice" craze wouldn't have happened if there weren't so many fans of fall. I want to say for the record that, as far back as I can remember my mom always made Spice Cake for my birthday instead of the standard, chocolate, vanilla, marble cakes. I loved Spice Cake and to this day it tastes like fall to me.

As per usual, I digress.

Fall is the season most people seem most endeared to; Not hot, not cold, the colors are beautiful, rain comes & goes, snow makes brief appearances to remind you winter is coming. Campfires, pumpkin pie, Halloween, Thanksgiving. What's not to like?

The same can be said for the Fall of Life.

It's comfortable. It looks good. It feels good. You've reached a high point in your career, you're income is finally keeping up with your expenses. You have been relieved of much of your parental duties by virtue of the fact that your children are turning out pretty well and taking care of themselves. You can take trips you couldn't previously afford, buy classic cars and become an antique collector in the blink of an eye and find yourself saying "hey, this ain't so bad!".

But those brief appearances of snow keep you ever mindful that winter is on it's way.

You also start to see a little clearer. As the leaves fall from the trees you get a clearer view of the world around you. I like driving through the nearby state park in the spring and summer while it's full of life. I also love it in the fall because as the leaves fall the view opens and you can see more of what's really there.

In the fall of life you become very aware of where you are versus where you'd like to be. You're forced to take stock and you realize there's less time to do the things you want to and you'd better get busy.

I've managed to accept that I have entered the fall of life. Not without kicking and screaming.

It feels good, looks good and it's comfortable.

But there's the snowflakes that keep me very aware winter is around the corner.

Things like needing lists to remember what you're supposed to do or get, or where you're supposed to be. Things like sore joints and muscles after a day of working on your boat. Things like eating Honey-Nut Cheerio's in the morning because they're supposed to help your heart health. Losing things that you SPECIFICALLY put in a SPECIFIC place so you WOULDN'T lose them.

Things like your best friend, only a few years older than you having a heart attack.

Things like that make you think about how unprepared for winter you really are.

I've noticed as I've gotten older I hear more often about the "need to make plans". Of course I avoid that like avoiding having a "bucket list".

You may laugh but I guarantee I'm not the only one that thinks that having certain plans makes bad things happen. However as the "Artist Who Returned to Being Known as Prince" recently taught us, not making plans is not very smart.

In the spring and summer of life we feel like it's completely safe to avoid those things. Which is completely stupid since so many of us have been lost in the spring and summer of life.

In the fall maybe we're a little wiser.

Maybe.

My friend who just had a heart attack was talking the other day about needing to make certain plans. We were talking about things we'd like to do.We both admitted the fear of having a bucket list. I haven't made a list or any plans. I doubt that he has either.

It wasn't the other day. It was a month ago.

We always think we have plenty of time.

Except in the fall when those occasional snow flakes come dancing into our line of sight.

As fall settles in we reflect back over the past spring and summer. We look around, see if we took care of everything we needed to. We start anticipating winter; when to put the yard furniture away, planning the last boat trip, bike ride, whatever it is we need to accomplish before winter sets in.

I've determined that the fall of life is the same.

I'm looking around and seeing what I've accomplished, looking at what I need to get done and would like to get done.

I broke my finger and can't ride my motorcycle but I'm still planning two fall rides I'd like to take. Just in case. Plotting how to arrange the garage for winter so I can park our cars yet have space to work on my list of projects.

Similarly I'm analyzing the fall of my life in the same way.

Sure it looks and feels good; it's comfortable. But is this it?

In 2008 when I watched The Bucket List I had just been promoted at work, to the job I still hold today. Back then I was so happy with the new job that I said "I can see doing this until I retire".

That was back in the summer of my life though. In the fall I'm looking at all the other things I've wanted to do and haven't.

As much as I have enjoyed my job and employer over the past 10 years, the fact is, I've reached the highest rung of the ladder here. I'm no longer so sure I'd like to do this until retirement time rolls around.

Especially since I've been talking for 12 years about having a restaurant "someday". Someday doesn't come until we let it come. Or make it come.
.
Fall is a sleepy season, but it can sure make you wake up.

Needing lists to know what to get, where to go and what to do just comes with age for some of us.

Without them I couldn't keep track of it all.

The idea of a Bucket List still creeps me out a bit, but the fact is, I have one, it's just not written down. We all do. Our heads are full of the things we'd like to do, see, be and experience in this lifetime. They always have been.

Fall also reminds you that while we're busy writing lists, the time we have to accomplish our dreams, goals and ambitions and check things off our lists is passing by.

The time is now.

Because now is the only time there is.

Our lists are already written. Just like getting to the carnival when you're a kid. You already know every ride you want to try to get on and every prize you want to win before it's time to go home. You get busy and do it.

Perhaps in the fall of life it's ok to relax, let the leaves fall and get a clearer view of the landscape.

So that we can more easily head into winter, accomplishing the things that mean the most and making sure we don't miss any of the rides and prizes we really want.

Fall tells us to get busy and do it.

Or perhaps I'm just looking for a deep explanation for all my notes.