I'm OK!

"Hey! How are ya?" 

"I'm OK! You?"

"I'm OK too! Good to see ya!"

"Bye!"

"Bye!"

How many times have we all had that conversation? 

How many people have we asked: "what does OK mean, exactly?" For me, virtually none.

Have we even asked ourselves what it means exactly when we say "I'm OK"? I haven't.

Until now.

A few short days ago I ran into my chiropractor Dr. Raq at the grocery store. She saw me, smiled and waved, came up and asked... you guessed it... "how are you?"

My initial reaction was to follow with the traditional "I'm OK". But I made a different choice.

I had a chance to do it differently because Dr. Raq knows me well and has learned to expect the unexpected from me. 

She wasn't phased at all when I said "we always ask that question and we think no one really wants to know how we are, so we just say 'I'm OK'. Today is your unlucky day because I'm going to tell you, I'm not ok. I'm getting there..." I told her what had been going on, how my life crashed and burned in front of my eyes, how I was so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted that I had lost control of all three. And I knew there was more hard stuff ahead.

She's also a wellness coach so I told her what my strategy was and we discussed a couple things and I walked away feeling great and that while Dr. Raq certainly was not expecting that answer to the traditional "how are you?" question, she appreciated it and the "risk" I had just taken. She saw the quiet, gentle strength in that. The very thing I'm working at cultivating.

So what does "I'm OK" mean now?

For me it means, yes I have a bit of hard time right now, but I am maintaining taking care of myself, so that I may continue to do my best in whatever circumstances I face. It means I'm looking for truth and uplifting lessons and not being terrified into inaction or reactions.

I'm choosing each choice I make and every action I take, and I'm doing so based on what choice feels best in the moment I'm making it.

I'm learning the difference between wants and needs, I'm learning value in things. I'm learning that I am really capable of comforting and consoling myself without dependence on others to do what I expect.

"I'm OK" means I am doing my best in every aspect of my being in this moment. It means I'm fortifying my strength and resources for when the tidal wave of grief comes crashing in, which it will, I will be in the best position to ride that wave the best I can.

"I'm OK" means, I like where I'm at. I'm in no hurry to rush through anything. 

"I'm OK" means that I acknowledge that my choice of thoughts and emotions will make me better in the overall. In whatever time it takes. On my schedule and to the best of my abilities.

I choose not to attempt the foolish task of "being there" for anyone but Me until such time as I have successfully "been there" for myself and am prepared to be there for others.

I choose not to to be swayed by Fear into anything that doesn't feel like the best, right choice. I choose not to be concerned with others feelings concerning my informed, best choices for me.

I'm OK.

I am aware, not engulfed.

I am sad, not depressed.

I am happy that while there are many who will miss him, my Dad didn't miss a thing. He lived his life exactly as he wanted to and had a life for the ages in terms of personal enjoyment of it.

I'm happy that I am, and will remain my fathers son.

Not even Death can take that away.

I'm actually going with the light hearted flow I think my Dad would appreciate right now.

I'm also of course thinking of Mark because, well it's still there and a little raw. And I did not handle that well.

But more interesting to me is that in thinking of these two incredible men whose lives I got to share certain things in are just brining smiles. My Dad always thought Mark was a great guitar player who knew what he was doing, even if it wasn't my Dad's style of guitar playing. Mark always envied the fact that I could sit down and play with my Dad. He loved that he could play FOR his Dad, but thought it was totally cool that I could play WITH mine. And it was one of the coolest things life ever gave me.

So the smiles come when I picture Mark meeting my Dad with a guitar and them playing and getting to know each other.

Whatever gets you through the night, it's all right.

That image is certainly helping.

I'm OK.