McKayla

If you’ve never had a four year old little girl see you, lose her mind and run
full tilt to jump into your arms, you’ve truly missed one of life’s simple
pleasures.

If you’ve ever experienced that and lost it, mostly by your own doing, well, you have then experienced heart wrenching pain that can’t even be compared to anything else.

It was the summer of 1998 when I met McKayla. I had met her Mom first
and began a, let’s say, unique relationship that wasn’t meant to last, but I
think it enriched both of our lives immeasurably in some ways.

I believe McKayla and I loved each other instantly. Or damn close to it.

She was four and her father had nothing to do with her, and really had no father figure whatsoever. I was thirty-two and had no experience with children whatsoever.

I did have a child. I just had no experience because due to a lot of crazy circumstances in life, I had a child, a son and was not part of his life, and hadn’t seen him since he was a baby. I certainly wanted to. The way that went is something I would have never chosen. That’s a different story though.

So, McKayla and I were both in unique situations that I believe lent themselves to
making us perfect for each other at the time. We filled a hole in each others
hearts
.
I would try to see her whenever I could. Because seeing her made me
happy. And I knew it made her happy and that seemed like one of the most
important things in the world, despite everything else going on in the world at
the time.

It didn’t matter when I saw her, or how often, I could see her a few times in the same day and her reaction would be the same. She’d just run into my arms as fast as she could get there. This beautiful little girl running down the driveway to get to me. Me!

I can look back and remember that vividly to the point that I remember worrying she would trip and come sliding across the gravel towards me. She never did, she always made it and I always caught her and I’d spin her around and she’d laugh and I’d laugh and squeeze her as tight as I thought I could without breaking her.

One of the greatest feelings I can remember is when I’d be sitting down and she would sit on my lap and lay back against my chest. I’d put my arms around her and she would hold my hands. Maybe we’d be watching TV or maybe she’d keep turning to look at me and ask me questions.

In my memory she was pretty inquisitive and it was fun to answer her questions, because, well, if you know me you probably know one of my great joys is to give silly, preposterous answers to the questions of a child and she gave me a lot of opportunities to do that.

Over a year later her brother, Scott, my second son was born and this brought us even closer. She was so good with him. It was fun to watch her be a miniature Mom trying to take care of him, and holding him when he was too heavy for her, but she did it anyway.
 
One of the cutest things I’ve ever seen.

To attempt to make a long story shorter, while things with McKayla and I were great, things with me and her Mom, not so much.

 That’s not to say we had problems. We didn’t really at all.

The problem was things in my adult world were extremely complicated.

I’m not one (any more) to shy away from the truth, particularly when it comes to my own wrong doing.

 In addition to all of this, I was married. And not to McKayla’s Mom.

The marriage wasn’t going good for awhile, but I thought I should keep
trying. Then when I met McKayla’s Mom, well, it was complicated. On the one hand
it seemed like I should admit defeat in the marriage and move on and things
would be better for everybody.

On the other hand, nobody really wants to give up on something as serious as a marriage.So back & forth I’d go, not knowing what to do.McKayla was the only thing that made me feel better at this time. When I was with her, I didn’t think about the mess I had made with my life. I didn’t think about having to make hard decisions and things like that.

I’d go back and forth. Try to stay married and try to be happy. Leave,
start again with McKayla and Scott’s Mom, try to be happy. I couldn’t figure it
out. As much as I liked and loved McKayla’s Mom, the truth is I kept seeing
more and more reasons why it wouldn’t work.

We were very different people, and even though we enjoyed each other a lot, I just didn’t see it working out, but I kept going. If I’m being honest, which I am, I kept going and playing both ends against the middle because of McKayla.

I couldn’t stand the idea of losing her.

I couldn’t lose Scott, he was mine, but I could lose her and that was unbearable, so no matter how hard it was, how much trouble I’d get into when I’d go home, I kept faking my way through it so I wouldn’t lose my little girl.

Both McKayla’s Mom and the woman I was married to knew full well about
each other and what I was doing. Both kept trying to get me to choose the other,
and I just couldn’t do it. The way I felt, it would have been a matter of choosing the lesser of two evil’s because neither one was going to work out in the long run, so I just kept pushing along and hoping for the best.
 
After a long series of events and several years I met Lisa and Jake and Josh and I fell in love with her and them and I knew I had been wasting time and being unhappy
because I didn’t want to make the wrong decision.

When I met Lisa I knew what the right decision was then and I told both my wife at the time and McKayla’s Mom that I wasn’t going to play games back and forth anymore and I was leaving.

It was a clean break, even moving to a different town and everything.

Somewhere in my mind I thought things were so solid between McKayla and I that nothing could affect that. I was wrong.

As things progressed with me changing the circumstances of my life and details were worked out, her Mom and I worked out what to do as far as Scott and things. Why I don’t know, but we didn’t really discuss McKayla. I don’t know what her Mom’s thoughts were, but to me, McKayla was just my little girl and there was nothing to
discuss.

The first time Lisa & the boys & I went to pick up Scott for a weekend, McKayla was in her Mom’s car and wouldn’t get out. I went and knocked on the window and she flipped her head the other way and wouldn’t even look at me.

Her Mom said she was mad at me and she wasn’t going to talk to me. And I let it go because I understood her being mad and I didn’t want to force her to talk to me or anything. I just thought I’d let her be and she’d get over it soon and everything would go back to normal. I even thought that in the future when I’d pick up Scott, I’d pick up McKayla too.

But every time that would happen, she’d still be mad, wouldn’t look at me and wouldn’t talk to me. It was almost like I didn’t exist to her any more. At first it was kind of funny and cute having this little girl be so dramatic about being mad.
 
It didn’t take long before it wasn’t cute. It wasn’t dramatic. It was real. And it
hurt like hell. And I had absolutely no idea what to do.

I’d think I should make her talk to me, and I didn’t feel right doing that so I didn’t. 
Every time I’d pick up Scott she’d be in the car and I’d think I should go make
her talk to me and something would stop me. Didn’t want to make her madder.
Didn’t want to have her still refuse to look at me, didn’t want this, didn’t
want that.

So I’d just ask her Mom “Is she still mad?” She’d say “Yep” and I’d just leave it.

It pains me to admit this, but that started ten years ago.

Ten. Years.

We haven’t talked.

We haven’t hugged.

We haven’t even looked at each other.

I’ve always known how she was doing otherwise and how school was going and
things she was doing because her Mom or Scott would tell me, but we’ve never
talked in all this time.

I don’t even know where the ten years went. Part of me would swear it has not been that long since I’ve held her. Another part of me can feel every day of those ten years and every loss that has come with it.

I still can’t believe that I could never bring myself to ask her to forgive me, to try to explain what happened and why. Nothing.

I’ve had a lot of successes and failures in life.

McKayla would be one of my biggest failures. 

Even more so than not being in my first son’s life. In that one, the way things were I didn’t have much of a choice. With McKayla I had a choice and I blew it.

I know part of me was afraid I couldn’t look at her. I think I had hoped that it would be ok and she would forgive me and everything would be ok, but I think a bigger part of me was afraid that it wouldn’t. It hurt me a lot to lose her. I’m sure it hurt her even more.

I once told her she’d always be my little girl and I left. I broke a promise. To her I’d lied about that. It’d be totally understandable for her to hate me. And I guess, I just couldn’t bear to see that. I don’t know for sure. 

I wish a million times I would have known what to do, or taken a chance. Things could have been so much different.

 I let it be what it was because of my fear and that was wrong.

I was the adult. She was the child. It wasn’t her responsibility to try to
mend the relationship. It wasn’t her responsibility to say “I’m sorry”. It was
mine.

I LET ten years go by.

Three THOUSAND, six hundred and fifty days.

Three THOUSAND, six hundred and fifty chances to do the right thing and I blew every one of them.

How the hell is that even possible?

I don’t know.

McKayla is so sweet, so forgiving, all I would have had to do was one time make her get out of the car long enough to apologize and everything probably would have been different.

 But I didn’t.

I am angry and disappointed with myself. But, if I dwell on that alone, it’s not going to make the situation any better. Sometimes you have to be willing to forgive yourself
too.

I don’t know that I’m there, but I do know it.

Most of the things I’ve heard about McKayla have been great and I’ve been very proud of her.
 
One thing I heard really, really made me angry.

McKayla had gotten pregnant at a very young age. She was still in school. I know these things happen, way more now so than when I was in school and it can happen any time, with any girl, anywhere.

But McKayla, my McKayla was smarter than that. I was very angry and disappointed and I was mad at her Mom, and I was mad at me for not being there.

All I could think was she was throwing away her life for no reason. She was way too young and had way too much to do yet before having a child.

But. I’m not a person who can stay mad forever, especially with people I love.

Now, having a baby at that age was exactly the opposite of what I would have ever expected from McKayla, but how she has handled motherhood and the whole situation IS exactly what I would expect from her.
 
She couldn’t change having the baby. She could have let it ruin her life like so many other young girls have done.

She didn’t do that.

She found a way to be a mother at such a young age, continued in school, graduated on time and is now in college.

That is one hell of an accomplishment and it brings tears to my eyes. Tears because I am so proud of her for how she has developed, and how she has handled the adversity of being a young mother still in high school. Tears because it makes me sad that even doing so well, there’s a lot of young life she misses and will miss because of being a young mother.

Tears because I don’t know how different each of our lives would be had we not had all these years of separation.Tears because in the long run, it doesn’t matter. Things happen for a reason and we do the best we can with what we have at the time.

All in all, I think I’ve done pretty good during the past ten years. I know she has done
way better than I could have expected. I mean, I always thought she would grow up to be a beautiful wonderful, smart woman who would have a great life. She’s exceeded that without any help from me whatsoever. 

She’s incredible.

Not too long ago I logged into Facebook and had a friend request. Didn’t have a
clue who it would be because I’m friends with everybody I’m friends with, so to
speak.

It was McKayla.

I was stunned.

Out of nowhere, tears were rolling down my cheeks.I didn’t hesitate for a second clicking the accept button.

I didn’t know what to do beyond that so I did nothing. Just kind of thought about it all.

She took the first step. The one I should have taken a long time ago.
 
She became the adult and I became the child. Reality set in and I knew she didn’t create this mess and she shouldn’t have had to be the one to fix it.Not that it’s fixed, but that was a HUGE thing for her to do.

I wrote her a message and thanked her. I said it had to mean at least part of her didn’t hate me any more. And we’ve been messaging each other
back and forth since then.

We’ve talked about a lot of stuff, and I think we’re both feeling a little better about what has been lost and I think that’s the best either of us can do right now.

We both said it was good to be talking to each other again.

I told her I’d like to keep doing that.

She said that was up to me.

I said I wasn’t going any where again. Asked her if we had a deal not to leave each other again.
 
She wrote back one word: “Deal”.

I’ve got tears in my eyes again right now remembering seeing that word.

I don’t know where we go from here, but we’ve started again and I’ll never leave her again, or let her leave me. Unless I’m absolutely sure that’s what she wants any way.

Which I don’t think will happen.
 
McKayla was the first child I ever had any real experience with. Anything that’s good about me as a father, I started learning that from her and the boys have her to thank for a lot of who I am as their father. And so do I.

Now, as an adult she is teaching me things I didn’t even know I needed to learn.

What an incredible young lady.

I’ll never be able to make up to her what she lost by my not doing anything, but because of the way things happen in life, and because of her being bigger than me and taking the first step, while I can’t fix the past, I have an opportunity for a new beginning with her. It’s here, it’s real and I’m in it for the long haul because I know my life will be better for it, and I believe hers will be too.

I’m sure there will be ups and downs, and there’ll be pain and healing and all of that. But “all of that” is exactly what life is all about.

The situation is far from fixed, but I have my little girl back in my life and I have an opportunity to do it right from now on.

I couldn’t ask for more. I am very sorry for the pain I caused her, and myself  by
my inability to do the right thing at the time, but I am very grateful that it is happening.

 Exactly the way it is.

**UPDATE**
McKayla & I saw each other and I got to hold her again right before Christmas when they picked up Scotty.

Couldn't squeeze the crap out of her like I would have liked to because she was sun burnt and in pain, but there'll be another time. It was such a great feeling.

I also got to meet her son Christian, and the sparkle in his eyes told me everything I needed to know about how she's doing being a mother. Great kid. Very, very proud.

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