My Cool Aunt

Donna Marie (Lappen) Abendroth is the second and final born daughter of Clifford & Marion Lappen.

They were my grandparents because my Mom Sandra Ann (Lappen) Babcock was their first born daughter.

My Mom & my Aunt Donna were born exactly one year and one day apart. I imagine they sometimes had a more turbulent sibling rivalry at birthday time than most of us.

When you have only two children, they're only a year apart and their birthdays are right next to each other, you've got issues. You have the first born and the baby. At the same time. Since these girls were born in the 40's, well, I imagine my grandparents didn't look forward to the 19th and 20th of September.

I know in their teens my Mom told me they had big issues being so close in age,  with my Mom being the oldest & wanting to have her own life, friends all that, and Donna being so close in age that she'd just like to hang around with my Mom & her friends. My mother practically horrified me when she told me her nickname for my aunt when they were teenagers. Horrified. To the point I've never mentioned it or asked Donna about it. She said everywhere she went, everything she did, there was Donna. My Mom's nickname for my aunt when they were kids was "Buttinski". She was probably talking to me about my own teenage issues with having a little brother. I just could not imagine that name attached to Donna, or that my Mom could possibly refer to her sister in such a horrible way.

Older now it seem rather humorous in innocuous, but when she first told me that I thought it was terrible of her.

They loved each other very much though and were each others closest friends in a lot of ways. But they definitely had their moments.

Those who know me, know I'm not one to sugar coat life. It is what it is and things happen and that's that. I say that so you're not shocked to learn that even in adulthood, they had a time or two when things got physical.

While there's only a couple times that I remember, I do know that they were unfortunately my fault. Maybe not my fault but as a result of me and/or something I did/did not do.

Specifically something where maybe Donna disagreed with my Mom on something and thought that she should defend me.

I was my Aunts first nephew, and she was my first best friend.

Don't get me wrong, for the most part my Mom appreciated my Aunts help in raising me. In the early days my Dad was in Viet Nam and my Mom had me and then my brother and would sometimes work two or three jobs to hold us together. Donna took care of us any time Mom needed her to.

Of course my memory only stretches back so far, so anything before that I can't really speak too.

Thing is Donna and I got close. She didn't have any children at the time, and for most of my early memory, didn't have a boyfriend or anything either. So she was glad to have me around whether it was both Randy & I or just me and for whatever reason, a lot of times in my memory, it was just her & I.

Back in those days in Appleton, the young adults would work at the restaurants, gas stations, bars, whatever they could find. But they were all hoping and waiting to get the most coveted jobs in the Valley: The Factory Jobs.

The paper mills were the best, but there were others. If you could get one of those you had it sacked.

Donna was in her early twenty's, single and without children when she landed a job at Presto Products. You know Presto. Even if you think you don't. They made garbage bags & things back then; Glad, Hefty, whatever contracts they got, and of course their own brand.

It paid well, and while she didn't necessarily like the shift work, she liked her job and didn't mind the money at all to paraphrase George Jones.

She had it sacked.

She turned that first factory job into a career. She went from the factory, to management to the office. A little better than 25 years. She would've stayed until she was 65 if they let her. The way things were in the 90's though, there came a time when the big companies decided it was time to push out the older people and bring in the younger talent.

However, as upset as most of them were, they did get a package and their pensions and things. So Donna retired and used a bunch of her package to pay off her house and car and a make a couple investments and considered herself too young to really retire so she got another job at Pacon which I believe later became Beamis-Jason.

In 2006 she retired again for the last time, having done well for herself, probably better than most.

She was very conscientious about getting ahead.

Getting that job early in life and turning it into a career, it put her in a position to do and have what she wanted and to spoil her nephews, and later her son when she wanted to. I can't say if there was jealousy of that on my Mom's part but I suspect there was.

I learned the meaning of cool from my Dad, because, well, he's the coolest guy I know.

I learned that women could be cool too when my Auntie Donna bought her first new car.

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It was a 1973 Gran Torino. Mean green with a yellow stripe down the side. The picture isn't her Torino, but hers was exactly the same.

I don't remember if it was brand new or barely used, but it was new. And it was cool.

And so was she.

She would take me for rides in that car and she was safe, but there was no "girl driving" for her when she was behind the wheel of that thing.

First time I "Cruised the Ave" was in that car. Windows down, music blasting. Me with my head out the window like a dog, being the coolest kid because I was the passenger in that bad-assed machine. Her being the girl driver that didn't back down to some boy revving at the stop & go lights (yes that's what people in Wisconsin call traffic signals).

She liked Rock-n-Roll, where my parents were more into country. Particularly 50's and 60's. Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons, The Jackson Five (and later, Michael Jackson), Elvis and lot's of other cool stuff.

She gave me this two album special "Dick Clark Presents" sort of record just full of great songs. She had the record and I loved listening to it when I was at her house, so she got me my own copy. I think perhaps her copy and mine both still exist.

Thinking now, even though I came to love rock music and even became a musician, I never realized until this moment what an impact she had on my musical taste and desire to be a musician. I always attributed that to my Dad. Wow. That's cool that she had a part in that too.

Which is fitting since we're talking about my Cool Aunt here.

In addition to being my first best friend, she was also my first "date" in away. Took me to the outdoor theater in that car. Have no clue what the movie was any more, I just remember sitting with her in that cool car with the big clunky speaker hanging on the window and eating junk and laughing and having a great time.

Later, I'm sure against my Mom's wishes, or perhaps even completely unknown to my Mom, she took me to see Porky's at the Valley Fair Cinema. If you've ever seen Porky's you know why bringing me to see it made her ultra cool.

I think another big part of how she became my best friend was that, with my Dad in the Army we moved around a lot and I didn't have a lot of time to make friends when we were back in Appleton. When we were gone, she was too early in her career to get the kind of vacation time it would take to travel to see us. So, when we were back, we'd make the most of it.

Shortly before we moved to Germany, Donna got the first boyfriend I remember her having.

Again, I don't sugar coat.

He worked with her at Presto and regardless of what he was like in the beginning he became something else.

My grandparents didn't like him, my parents didn't like him, I didn't like him. But Donna did and I guess the adults decided Donna's happiness was more important than how they felt about him. So they got married. Big church wedding and the whole shebang.

He started hurting her shortly after that, and she started forgiving him and hoping for the best.

March 7th, 1975 my Cool Aunt finally became a Mom when my cousin Gary was born. We lived in Germany at the time and couldn't come back right away so Gary was already around a year old or so when we came back. I remember clearly and vividly how excited she was for me to meet him. Sure, she wanted everybody to meet him, but she was particularly excited for me to meet him.

I was too because she was so happy. I think part of me was worried this little dude was going to interrupt my relationship with my Aunt, but, nope. He just became another member of the club. As we got a little older he became my first job as a babysitter. Because of the way our family was, he was more of a brother than a cousin. My Mom & Donna spent a lot of time together and therefore, so did Gary & Randy and I.

I remember when Donna decided to quit forgiving Gary's father.

I was at their apartment and he was in a mood and was apparently annoyed with Gary or me or both. He went after her, ripped the phone off the wall and threw it at me. She grabbed Gary, picked up the phone and through it back at him and got us all the hell out of there quick.

After that divorce she was single again for a very long time. And didn't mind it a bit.

Life went on.

Every 4th of July they'd have this huge carnival and fireworks at Pierce Park in Appleton. My parents weren't real big fans of that kind of thing, so Donna always took Randy & I. Send us on all the rides, buy us junk and let us win prizes popping balloons. And then she'd sit in the grass with us and we'd watch the fireworks till the finale, take a couple more rides and go back to spend the night at her house completely exhausted. Every year while we could.

Then of course I became a troubled teenager and many times I'd get in trouble at home and run to Donna's. There were times she let me stay. Many times she made me walk back home. She didn't always take my side by any means, but when she did, she would invariably get into it with my Mom and she knew that would happen.

Some times she let me stay when I knew I was in trouble and I was afraid to go home. Those times, I think she had already talked to my Mom & knew what was going on and had an agreement with my Mom to keep there over night.

No matter how much trouble I got into, even the serious trouble I got into in my early adult life, she never gave up on me. She was always there.

But when I REALLY messed up is when there came a time she couldn't be there.

Again, I don't sugar coat.

When I got into my worst mess, my Mom came to see me. She couldn't handle seeing me there and said she couldn't come back. I was angry & hurt at the time and my Mom & I didn't talk for awhile.

Donna still came to see me and my Mom was not happy about it. She didn't think her sister should be going to see her son when she couldn't. There was another big blow out and it ended up that I needed to be ok with not seeing Donna too because I didn't want to be a cause of friction between the two of them.

It was Donna who called to tell me when my Mom had died. And after that she started coming to see me again, helping me to try to get ready to give life another shot.

In my adulthood we got even closer. She always believed in me, regardless of how little I left to believe in. A lot of people did. She never yelled at me, lectured me, tried to tell me how to live my life. She was just there and believed in me.

When that was all over and life went back to normal she was there fore me through whatever challenges I faced. Marriages. Children, jobs, everything, every step of the way.

She loved my kids and I think to her they were the equivalent of grandchildren since Gary doesn't have children. And they love her. Of course in their life times she didn't have any cool cars or anything, but she was still funny with them still let them be themselves, never panicked if one of them slipped a swear word.

And she introduced them to things she used to do with me.

By the time they were born the whole Pierce Park Carnival & Fireworks thing was long gone, but something that wasn't was Bay Beach Amusement Park in Green Bay. She used to take us there all the time when we were kids. She loved it as much as we did, and she never went on any rides she'd just watch us. And later she'd watch them. And get a kick out of watching Gary & I going on rides with Scotty & Jake & Josh.

She'd come to our house or we'd go to hers for holidays. She'd meet us when we were out camping or fishing for picnics. She just loved us and she loved those boys.

She took both me and my boys to our first "real" baseball game to see the Timber Rattlers a few years ago. It was after that that she started slowing down. We'd go to see her and plan to go to Bay Beach or a Rattlers game and she just wasn't able to do it like she used to. So she'd wait at home for us to stop back afterwards. 

I know it was hard for me and I think it scared the boys a bit when she wouldn't come with us any more, but she was still good and happy, just didn't have the energy.

The boys will always have those memories, and they'll also always have the cute little Christmas ornaments she'd get them with their names on them every year. At least I hope they will.

She started having more & more health issues and she'd fight her way through them and keep plugging away. These things, especially the heart problems and knee replacements slowed her down, but they didn't stop her. She wasn't going to let anything stop her.

She's always had an incredible will to live and live well and happy and enjoy life. Her parents and my Mom all passed away at relatively young ages and I know from talking to her that scared the heck out of her and she didn't not want to go young like they did. It turned out to be a very real, almost obsessive fear that we shared in common, likely for the same reasons. And she did everything a person could do to stick around as long as possible.

No matter what got thrown her way, she kept the best outlook she good, and she fought her way through it and got back to the business of life accepting whatever new limitation she had for what it was. A limitation, not an end.

After she retired the last time she started getting bored and was thinking about getting a part time job or something. I told her she should "join those Red Hat Ladies". She said she had some friends that did that, but she didn't know about all that. She did some volunteer work here & there but it wasn't enough. She ended up joining those Red Hat Ladies and I can tell you that being a Red Hat Lady was something she was glad she did, Just the other day we were talking and they were mentioned.

She loved the trips & activities and the lunches and dinners and just hanging out together.

Knowing she had them I think is something that has helped strengthen her for each battle she has faced, and while the rest of us see the Red Hat Ladies and smile & think they're maybe a little kookie, they have there own little society where there all there for each other and all their to help each others later life be the best that it can be. Except for her, there's probably no one happier that she joined than me.

As I prepare to lose her, of all the memories that flood my mind, that's the one that breaks me and turns on the water works. It was something she did for herself, for her own enjoyment and became something she loved dearly.

Donna took care of herself and worked to make herself happy. She denied herself things when it was necessary, but as soon as she could have what she wanted, she did it. That's something many of us never do. We're too worried about things that don't matter anywhere near as much as enjoying the life we are given.

When my Grandma got older she decided she loved Buick Regals and deserved to have them. And she did. She had two of them. Both new.

When she passed away the last one went to my Mom and I think Donna had wanted it. After that Donna decided the same thing as Grandma and has been driving Buick Regals ever since. I'm not sure how many she's had, but a lot more than two.

A few years back when they came out with the La Crosse, she thought that was what she should get next.

In the end, she decided, not that it was more than she deserved, but it was more than she needed and more than she thought a car was worth. So she got another Regal.

I know because she has flat out told me that, dying is the last thing she wants to do. And of course like all of us, it will be.

I talked to her the other day and I know she's not ready for that yet and I sincerely hope she finds a way to fight her way back again. The nurse I talked to today gave every indication without flat out saying it, that they don't think it's likely.

The aftermath of that is something I will deal with if and when the time comes.

I wish I could tell her not to be scared, but I can't even do that with myself and there's nothing wrong with me (that I know of), but I don't know what's going to happen right now.

I do know a couple things. She has had a great life that has had it's ups & downs. She managed to work her way to reaching most, if not all of the goals she set for herself, including breaking what she saw as a curse of dying young in her family. While she's still sort of young by todays standards, she's passed the rest of her immediate family by a good stretch. That doesn't mean much, but its a goal reached. She's touched the life's of lots of people in lots of ways. She's helped shape her son and nephews and grand-nephews lives, she's collected and provided a lot of memories and she's done everything her way and on her terms.

She's loved and enjoyed the Packers, Parades (especially the Christmas Parade and Flag Day Parade), Gin & Fresca, Christmas, her church, Bay Beach, Buick Regal's, traveling,The Red Hat Ladies, her two best friends Darlene & Marlene, buying her first house and that being the only one she's owned over all these years and having paid it off twice and so much more that I can't enumerate because none of us can truly know everything about any one else's life. I know she has been happy and has always considered herself blessed.

There's a million conversations I'd love to have with her and a million more things I'd like to do with her, but of all the things I know, what I know most is that if she can't win this fight, of all the people I've lost in life my Cool Aunt Donna is the one I will be able to let go without regret, without agonizing about things I should have said or done. We always said I love you and we were always kept each other aware of how important we are to each other.

And I know she knows she's my Cool Aunt.

She's always known because I've never been afraid to let her know that and she's never been afraid to tell any one that I've introduced her to that she's my Cool Aunt.

I think of all that she accomplished, for some silly, only Donna knows reason,being my Cool Aunt was something she was very proud of.